Baby Don't Get Lost in that Evil World

LKDFZFBN /JADLFKB VLKC BLDM BA YOU GUYS YOU GUYS YOU GUYS JOY JOY JOY I CAN'T EVEN  \O/ \O/ \O/

I HAVE BEEN DREAMING OF THIS DAY FOR SO LONG

LIKE LITERALLY, I ONCE HAD A DREAM ABOUT PINEAPPLE CHOCOLATE EXISTING

AND I'VE BEEN RANTING EVEN LONGER

CADBURY, I SAID, Y U NO PINEAPPLE?? IT IS THE VERY BEST THING YOU MAKE, Y U NO MAKE IT IT'S OWN THING??

BUT THEN I WALKED PAST A CO-WORKERS DESK, AND THERE IT WAS. I HAD NEVER TALKED TO THIS PERSON BEFORE, BUT WE BONDED OVER CHOCOLATE. SHE GAVE ME A ROW, AND THUS TODAY WAS A PERFECT DAY, FOR PINEAPPLE CHOCOLATE EXISTED

I JUST DROVE HALF WAY ACROSS THE CITY TO GO TO THE SHOP SHE FOUND IT IN (BECAUSE WHAT IF THE CLOSER SHOPS DIDN'T HAVE IT? I WASN'T GOING A MINUTE LONGER IN THIS WORLD WITHOUT PINEAPPLE CHOCOLATE THAN I NEEDED TO). TO THE DODGY SIDE OF TOWN, THAT I DON'T KNOW MY WAY AROUND AND AM PROBABLY LUCKY NOT TO HAVE BEEN ROBBED IN

BOUGHT THREE PACKETS

AM CONSIDERING OFFERING CADBURY FIRST BORN IN EXCHANGE FOR LIFETIME SUPPLY

I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY
  

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TURTLENECKS.

DEATH TO TURTLENECKS.

It's not just that they don't look good on anyone (because they really really really freaking DON'T);  they actively make people hideous. I would turn down Brad Pitt if he were in a turtleneck. All up near the chin like that. It's not natural - PEOPLE SHOULD HAVE NECKS. Collar bones are lovely, why cover up skin that SHOULD BE SHOWN because without it you look like a NECKLESS FREAK?

AND, they make everyone but obscenely skinny people look massive. Not in a good way. Not in a fat way either, but in a "holy fucking god a woollen tank is coming towards us, run for your li-- oh, it's Frank and Martha. Nevermind." Way. The chest proportions go crazy and people look like bodybuilders who have been shoved into tiny socks.

And, and, how can people stand things up on their necks like that? I'd feel like I was suffocating. In fact, seeing other people with things on their necks makes me think they're suffocating which makes me feel like I'm suffocating BECAUSE I AM A CARING AND EMPATHETIC PERSON so people wearing turtlenecks is actually cruel towards me because it not only hurts my eyes and sense of GOOD-FREAKING-TASTE, but actually affects my breathing. IT MAKES SENSE SO THERE.

But Stella, I hear you say, they're warmer than a normal jumper! To which I reply: Bullshit.

WEAR
 
A

SCARF,

BASTARDS.

Scarves aren't hideous. Scarves are lovely and fashionable and functional and appropriate for all occasions. Society needs more scarf wearers. It will take us all back to a more refined time. A time of style and sophistication. A time of.. whatever, I don't care, a time when people didn't wear fuck ugly excuses for jumpers, okay. It'll be a golden age.

But don't think the only problem is the jumper kind, by the way. I hate those turtleneck singlet things too. They are in a slightly different category though. They're still in the "goddamn hideous what the fuck who dresses these people" column, but overlap with the "aaahahahahahahaRIDICULOUS" line. Seriously. There isn't even any excuse for those things. If you're cold enough that you want a few extra centimetres around the neck, perhaps you should consider sleeves.

I hate turtlenecks. You should all hate them too. They do not suit you. I don't care who you are, they don't suit you. They don't suit anyone or anything, except being put in a huge pile and burnt until there is nothing left but slightly unattractive ash. 

Turtlenecks are an insult to fashion, an insult to aesthetics, an insult to the sighted. I HATE THEM.

Thankyou for attending this evening. There is a box by the door in which you may deposit your abominations to my soul turtlenecked items for the bonfire as you leave.